Obama 2012 has expanded that infamous Rahm Emanuel aphorism that says, “Never let serious crisis to go to waste,” to include “Never let an opportunity to bilk for campaign cash go to waste!”
Exploitative fundraising efforts have included featuring the family dog Bo in the $5-donation “Throw Bo a Bone” fundraiser, and even a Guest Registry that suggests future wedding guests bless the bride and groom with a gift that keeps on taking by passing that envelope full of hundred dollar bills to Barack Obama instead.
In addition to tacky efforts to extract money from the gullible, there’s also an Obama 2012 online store filled with items like ethnic-, sexual orientation- and state-specific T-shirts. Eclectic Obama supporters can also find Obama yoga pants for people who spend too much time “lounging around on the couch,” or noshing while reading Obama fridge magnets. For pet-loving liberals there are “I Meow for Michelle” and “I Bark for Barack” pet collars.
The only items missing from the ‘Essentials‘ section of the Obama for America online store are litter boxes and pooper-scoopers sporting the Presidential seal.
Inside the Obama campaign, the anxiety over funds is so rampant that the president and first lady have agreed to shamelessly hawk themselves by supping with wide-eyed Obama-devotee raffle winners in the ongoing ”Dinner with Barack” chow-down series.
There was an event called “A New York Night” with Sarah Jessica Parker and Anna Wintour, plus the heavily-advertised Obama fundraiser at George Clooney’s home. According to organizers, the Clooney event “collected $15 million…Less than half of that came from the Hollywood types who paid $40,000 a ticket; the rest came from a sea of supporters who made small donations and entered an online contest to win seats.”
And let’s not forget the highly anticipated, doubly delicious ”Dinner with Two Presidents” drawing, which featured entertainment by Jon Bon Jovi and sandwiched a quartet of contest winners between horn-dog Bill Clinton and hot-”dog”-eating Barack Obama.
Mrs. Obama should thank God she’s not currently swollen with child, because with the pathetic level this fundraising spectacle is descending to, Obama might try to convince her to head up a tombola where for $5 bucks a pop an Obama voter can win a chance to spend time in labor and delivery with the first lady.
In the weeks ahead, it won’t be surprising to see sale items that appeal to every obscure demographic imaginable, such as “Chiropodists Take a Stand for Obama,” and “Shrimp Fried Rice Lovers are Stirred Up for Obama.”
It’s likely nothing will be off the table at this point; maybe Obama for America could reconsider appealing to poor whites. How about a raffle aimed at the trailer park set: “Share a Hungry Man Dinner with Barry!” That prize could come complete with a Joe Biden can holder and a folding aluminum yard chair.
Here’s one that’s really creative: an “Obama’s Old Stuff Raffle.” Sweepstakes campaign workers can collect unlimited cash contributions from obsessed Obama lovers honored to have a chance to win one of the President’s used dinner napkins, an old golf ball, some fingernail clippings, or even the occasional discarded cigarette butt from whenever Barry “messes up.”
The cash scramble has gotten so urgent that for the first time since he took office Barack actually led by example when he made out a $5,000 check to his own campaign.
Therefore, as the days close in on the November election, time is quickly running out to find ways to bamboozle the American public out of what little money they have left.
With that in mind, for his 51st birthday party on August 12th Barack Obama has decided to celebrate at his “Chicago home with a bunch of strangers who made campaign donations to be there.”
That’s right, last year the campaign sold commemorative birthday hats and tickets to see Jennifer Hudson sing “Happy Birthday” to the President. This year, for a few bucks, donors and contest winners have an opportunity to mill around in the Obama’s Greenwood Avenue, Chicago kitchen eating appetizers, drinking Mojitos and checking to make sure the Wandering Jew has been properly watered.
But before plunking down a $3 for a chance to rifle through the first family’s medicine cabinet, consider the fine print on the contest rules – charging money to enter a contest is illegal! So why not save the dough and take a shot at that prescription bottle-snooping opportunity for free?
More importantly, when entering the sweepstakes, contestants should not take Michelle’s email invite literally when it says, “Barack turns 51 next month, and there will be a little celebration at our house in Chicago… Barack would personally love to see you there,” because his “birthday is one of the last opportunities he’ll get for a little downtime before the final weeks of the election.”
The reality is that the lady who extended the gracious invitation to her home will not be attending the festivities. And from the looks of things, the gathering won’t exactly be a cozy fireside evening thumbing through family photo albums with the Commander-in-Chief, either. Why? Because the advertised “little celebration at our house” for “a little downtime” is actually one of four whirlwind fundraisers Barry has scheduled in Chicago on the same day.
So, while excited contest winners awaiting the President’s arrival anxiously mill around the Porta Potties in the backyard, where it turns out the bulk of the event is scheduled to take place, it’s likely that on his way to the next fundraiser the birthday boy will only drop in long enough to collect the loot and make use of the upstairs bathroom.
Jeannie DeAngelis
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